Author Archive for Chris Rucker

17
Jan
09

Debunking the Myth: Men Want Women They Can’t Have

Many women will say, “Men always want women they can’t have” meaning “Men want a woman more when that woman shows little interest in him”.  This statement, as a general rule, is false.  Men (heterosexual men that is) always want women. Period.  It just so happens that some times that that woman does not want that man.  Her lack of interest does not, I repeat, does not make her more desirable.  Truthfully, on the inside, most guys wish that woman would come talk to them, but 99.9% of the time they won’t.  This means that the man has to pursue the woman.  This places the man in an awkward position, because if he is rejected he is left to wonder, “Is she playing hard to get because women think that men only want women who show little interest?  Or is she genuinely not interested?” 4 out of 5 times she is genuinely not interested in him seriously, but she likes the attention so she gives him just enough to keep him around a bit.  This whole time, the guy is wondering whether or not she is feeling him, and women are looking at the poor guy like, “See… I told you.  They always want women they can’t have.”  And so the cycle continues.  The moral of this story: you are better off just masturbating, homey.

14
Jan
09

If I Could Just Touch the Hem of His Brooks Brothers Suit…

I swear to God, America has developed an “If I Could Just Touch the Hem of His Garment” complex with Barack Obama (for those of you not familiar with the New Testament that is a reference to the woman with the hemorrhage who said if she could just touch the hem of Jesus’s robe she would be healed. She touched it, and she was healed). Anyway, it seems the media is looking for anyone and I mean ANYONE who knew Barack or Michelle Obama at some point before he ran for public office. It is ridiculous. They will find that person who took Barack’s drivers license picture back in Hawaii and ask them dumb questions like, “Would you ever have guessed that he would be president one day?” The answer is NO. Just like guys at Yale didn’t know that the coke head doing a keg stand on their coffee table was going to be president one day (George W. Bush). I swear news outlets have entire staffs devoted to finding people that knew the Obamas back in the day. One day you are going to turn on the news and see this:

In this CNN exclusive, we have the woman Barack dated… before Michelle Reporter: So when did you first meet Barack?

Woman: Well it was at a party at Harvard. He was really quiet.

Reporter: How long were you in a relationship with President-Elect Obama?

Woman: Back then, we just called him Barry. And it wasn’t much of a relationship… actually we just hooked up that night at the party.

Reporter: I see, so… when you were “hooking up”, did you know you were sucking the future 44th president’s dick?

And this is the shit people are calling news nowadays. We have an economy in shambles, Israel is blasting Gaza, people are losing jobs… and the media wants to know “who knew Barack 15 years ago” or what dog Sasha and Maliah are going to get. I will put an end to this madness: No one really knew Barack was going to become president one day and if they say they did they are lying and the kids are getting a pitbull… or a rottweiler. Some really hood dog.

10
Jan
09

Ponderings

If you could do anything you wanted for a day with no repercussions, what would you do?

08
Jan
09

Sesame Street: Causing A.D.D. 50 Million Children at a Time

I know I am about to step on a sacred cow for many out there.  Face it, Sesame Street played an integral part in our generation’s development.  How else would we have learned our letters, or the difference between near and far, and who can forget “Rubber duckie, you’re the one.  You make bath time lots of fun!”  Sesame Street was that home away from home for me and my peers, but little did we know we were being wired to fail horribly when we entered college and would have to sit through lectures 4 times longer and 839458345783489 times less interesting than an episode of Sesame Street.

I know you are thinking, “How, Victor? How could one of the greatest shows of all time have done this to me?”  I will tell you.  It was the completely unfocused manner in which they taught us everything we needed to know to succeed in the world.  Think about it.  First you learn that Big Bird is afraid of the dark, then all of a sudden the Count is counting cookies as Cookie Monster eats them, then Bert and Ernie are getting ready to go to sleep but Ernie isn’t tired so he starts counting sheep, then there is a big ass Q on the screen in psychedelic colors, then there is a video with penguins and music, then we finally get back to Big Bird and his irrational fear of the dark and with some help from his best friend Snuffeluffagus, or Snuffy as he is lovingly called by Bird, and finally there is a cartoon with a ball in a pinball machine that is teaching you how to count to 13.  After aaaaaaaaaaall of this, the theme starts playing slow and soft in the background and you hear, “Sesame Street was brought to you today by the letter D and the number 2″… neither of which were mentioned that day, but I guess they needed the publicity so they bought ad space on Sesame Street.  Now think back, where was the focus here? There wasn’t. No segment lasted longer than 2 or 3 minutes tops, with most of the lessons being a matter of seconds and having absolutely nothing to do with the segment before it.

This is how we are introduced to education, and we wonder why 50% of the kids in school are on drugs to keep them focused.  Shit, at least Barney had a continuous narrative throughout the show.  There was some direction to everything, you know.  Baby Bop lost her binky or something like that and the kids to had to find it, the kids made sure everybody cleaned up everywhere… then the kids and the big purple dinosaur professed their love for each other at the end of every show (I wonder if the guy who wrote “This Old Man” got royalties from the “Barney Song”. I hope at the least he cleared the sample). This post has got me nostalgic.  C is for cookie, its good enough for me. Bitch.

xoxo

-vˆ2

07
Jan
09

Can We Just Be Friends?

I was watching TV at home over Thanksgiving Break, and I saw MTV had a show were average Joes compete to become friends with some of the guys from the Hills called Bromance.  I thought to myself, “Bromance? That’s really homoerotic… For absolutely no reason at all.”  The term bromance has caught fire and now any close guy relationship is a bromance, and it makes one wonder: what the fuck happened to just being friends?  I have no problem with homosexuals at all, but I don’t want to get bromantically involved with someone. What happens if one of us gets a girlfriend? Are we cheating on the other “bro”?  Are bromance break ups just as rough as real break ups? So many men have problems being faithful to women, can we really trust men to be faithful to men?  Can you have a one night stand with a bro? Like, you meet a guy at the mall.  He is really cool so you invite him to a baseball game, and then after you drop him off at home after the game you never talk to him again.  Would that bro feel used? I think I am going to stay away from bromance… I don’t know if I can handle the heartbreak.

xoxo

-vˆ2

06
Jan
09

Have You Ever Made Love to a Weirdo?

So I’m relatively new to this whole blogging thing and to me its like when you first start sex.  Like, don’t get me wrong… I’m a well endowed blogger, but like when you first start having sex and it’s not at all mind blowing. But its still nice, so you keep trying the same 2 moves for a while just to see if the lack luster first time was just a fluke or like nerves or some shit… and no, its still not that great.  Then you meet that older woman, who decides to take you under her wing and turn you into a world class lover.  And she like, takes you through the kama sutra and you watch soft core porn, so you can learn how to truly please a woman.  And the sex gets better and better and better… for her, and at first you are kinda proud that you give her the best orgasm she has ever had. Then you realize, “I have been fingering and eating this girl out for like 3… 4 weeks. Can I at least get a handjob?”  Eventually you and the older woman part ways (because thats always how it is on like… those pornos that come on Oxygen at 2 in the morning. The woman just like bounces and leaves you in the bed naked… and steals your wallet and shit) and you are like “Fuck!”. So eventually you get yourself together, and you get back on the dating scene and what not, you meet a girl, and you leave so you all can get busy.  So on the way to your place, all those things that the older woman taught you are going through your mind and you think “I am going to blow this girls mind”. So you go through the necessary flirty bullshit once you get to your place because it was a long drive and you both had kinda lost the urge to do it. Ok, so its go time and allllll that stuff you learned from the older woman, you know, on how to be the worlds greatest lover… it goes clean out the window, and you start doing those same 2 sex moves that you were doing back in the day when you first started. And you know what? It was still the same result, but afterwards you feel proud because fuck it, they are your shitty sex moves… and hey, you got a nut.  I forgot where I was going with this… OH YEAH! BLOGGING! Its kinda like all that… minus the sex of course. Sure I may use the same two lame moves for a while, but just give me a little while. One day I will be a blogging porn star!

xoxo

-vˆ2




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